Aug 18 2008
When the “r” word gets out of hand
When you ask a parent of a child with Down syndrome or mosaic Down syndrome what the number one concern they have about their child.
The answer usually isn’t what outsiders would expect.
It isn’t that they worry about the medical problems their child might face. After all, they know the problems may be there, but they also know that most all of the problems can be corrected with surgery or medicine.
It isn’t that they worry about how they will manage academically. Sure, they hope their child will do ok with their school work and not struggle too much, but they know that their child can have an IEP that will help them get the academic help they need.
The number one concern for most parents of children with Down syndrome and mosaic Down syndrome is that they worry their child will not have friends. They worry that their child will be teased and picked on in school. They worry how others will view their child. They worry that others will see the diagnosis and not the beautiful face. The worry that others will see the slow stride in the child’s step and not pick them for the kickball game on the play ground. They worry, most of all, that their child will be called names.
When Tim was first diagnosed with mosaic Down syndrome, the social worker who was evaluating him asked me several questions. One of the questions was what was my main concern. My main concern was that others would pick on him. I worried that he would have trouble making friends. I worried how others would view him.
Unfortunately, over the years, I discovered that my worries were not unfounded. Tim was picked on throughout his school years. He was called names–horrible names! And, he got to a point in high school where he was at his breaking point and there were days where I had to convince him to go to school.
I think that it is very important to have a zero tolerance policy in school when it comes to calling others names—especially the “r” word.
I know many will say, “Kids will be kids and no matter what they will call each other names” and yes, to some degree this is true. However, if you begin teaching this and enforcing the rules when the child is in preschool or kindergarten, they will immediately learn the rules and understand that this is absolutely not acceptable.
It is the adults who have been lax on this issue. It is the adults who have allowed this to happen! And, it is the ADULTS who have to help the children to learn that this is unacceptable. Adults have had the attitude that there will always be bullies and it has always happened, so it is no big deal. But it is a big deal!
Think back in your childhood, some may have to think hard LOL, and think about a time when someone picked on you, called you a name, or made you feel embarrassed or sad. How did that make you feel? Are those old feelings coming up right now? Those moments in one’s life stay with them forever. Sure, you might not think about it every single day, but when you do you get that feeling deep inside that makes your heart skip a beat. You might feel angry or sad, but either way, those feelings stay with you forever.
The difference in today and “way back then” is now children solve their problems with extreme violence. Back when I was a kid, the worse thing that happened was a fight on the school yard. But, then, in high school, the bullying went to the next level. One morning on the school bus a high school student was shooting spit wads at a jr. high student. Apparently the high school student went too far with his bullying and that afternoon as the high school student made his way down the isle of the school bus to find his seat, the jr. high student, who had been bullied, stabbed the boy in his stomach with a knife. The high school student died on campus. The jr. high student’s life was ruined. The high school student’s family’s life was ruined. And most of the students who witnessed the ordeal life’s were ruined. This happened back in 1981. This was the beginning of severe bullying. This was the beginning of children taking matters into their own hands because the adults in their lives told them to “just handle it”.
When a child comes to an adult and says that someone is bullying them or calling them names, it is the adult’s responsibility to “handle it”. Parents need to address the issue with the teacher and discuss the zero tolerance to bullying policies that should be in place. Teachers who witness bullying need to speak to the student immediately and discuss consequences with the child.
WORDS HURT
and if the bullying and the words are allowed to continue, not only will someone loose their self-esteem, it can escalate into something way worse than just hurt feelings.
5 Responses to “When the “r” word gets out of hand”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Not A Member? Register for Free!
Your comments hit home with today, Kristy! I was one of those picked on, name-called kids. Not only for my own stuff (cleft lip, cleft palate) but for having a parent with a serious mental illness (can you say, “picked on by association”?) All those memories were the first things that came to my mind when I found out prenatally that our child would have Down syndrome. Not the financial concerns, not the medical concerns, not education. It was the thought that I was going to spend the second half of my life being stared at AGAIN! But you know what? People stare at us because my daughter is beautiful.
I love your way of thinking Heather. When ever someone has ever stared at us, I just smile at them. I don’t think they mean to stare really, they are just curious. And, you never know…they may have a family member at home with the same diagnosis and they are just trying to connect with you. So, when others are staring, just smile! It is probably because they see how beautiful your child is! And I agree… your daughter IS beautiful!
very well said kristy! since mym joseph is still a baby, it hasn’t dawned on me to look into my older son’s schools and their policy on name-calling. you can bet i will now! thank you for putting the words together in a way that made me stop and think.
yes i agree with you all the way being picked on is my worst fear for my son it hasnt started yet but i know that it will this year i am making it my goal to get the school to allow James 8 DS to go to all the class rooms at his school and be introduced to all of the children i think the more kids that know him and the more kids that become friends with him the less he will be picked on and there will be people that i hope will stand up for him i went to high school with a boy that had DS named Lucas i was his friend i had to take up for him in the gym class because everyone was so so mean to him i dont want that for my son im afraid that i would end up in jail over my son and your right it all begins at home with the parents we must teach our children to not pick on others because they are different. i do not like thr R word Angel
Great post. Last year during our IEP meeting they had to changed Brannon’s “status” from developmental delay to the “R” word because he had reached a certain age. I was so upset and mad that I began to cry. I couldn’t hold my emotions back. I made another teacher cry that was there for the meeting. The lady in charge apologized and stated it was the STATE of VA using this word and not them. She marked it out and checked other. She used unspecified instead. She said I will never hear that word again. I do dread the day when Brannon enters middle and highschool.